So Many Modern Blessings!

A few people have wondered if I'm ever going to blog again. My beautiful daughter and her family were here last week from California, and this week I have been in bed. Literally! For days and days and days. I have had the mother of all colds (probably the flu) and ear pain that I couldn't believe! I finally went to the Dr. yesterday and found out I have a raging ear infection in both ears. She said if I'd waited until Monday, my eardrums would have burst! And, she said that at my age it could result in permanent hearing loss. (That's so weird to keep hearing at my age. Am I really at that age?) Well, I'm on heavy duty antibiotics for the next two weeks and finally this afternoon the pressure in my ears is easing up! Yay! I may live!

This week lying in bed too sick to read or even watch TV, I thought of my Grandmother Burghardt my father's mother, who died in the great flu epidemic after World War I. She was a young mother of eight, only in her thirties. I thought a lot about the suffering she must have gone through, and especially of how broken hearted she must have been at leaving her precious children. Today, as I've finally felt like I'm coming out of this thing, I thought of her again, and wished I could have gone back in time to share some of our amazing antiobiotics with her. What blessings we have in this crazy modern world.

I also remembered all the nights of walking the floors with my babies as they suffered through their ear aches! THEY REALLY HURT! How grateful I am that I could get medical help for them. And again how grateful I am for the blessings we enjoy!

I'm Pleased to Announce the Kindle Edition of My Novel Joy Outweighs the Sorrow

In 1995 I published the novel Joy Outweighs the Sorrow. It is now available in the Kindle Store: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B0050VAIII for all of you that have Kindle Reader, Ipad, Iphone, Itouch, Blackberry, or Android Smart Phones. Also Kindle for PC or Mac!

While you're there take a moment and write a review! And check the stars. Thank you so much, because it is the reviews that sell books! If you have previously read my book, you can leave a review without purchasing the book. Also, check out my website for the book, just click on link on my sidebar for BONNIE HOLT AUTHOR WEBSITE!  Thanks everyone for your support!

During the time I first published my book, I was teaching two periods a day, for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, as a volunteer at the West Jordan Seminary after the fire that destroyed their building the year before. My teaching and writing endeavors were cut short however, by a hospital stay for a series of small strokes, which was followed by the death of my son, and then two open-heart surgeries to repair a hole in my heart.

With my heart broken in so many ways, as I recovered, I mourned the death of my son to such an extent that I didn’t write more than email, for eight years! Then in December of 2007 my daughter encouraged me to start a blog. I did! And I discovered a great satisfaction again in expressing myself. Since then, a couple of friends have asked if I thought I would ever write for publication again, and I always replied no—I don’t think so.

But when an email friend, who is an editor and many times over published author, said to me after reading one of my blog posts, “You are a writer, and writer’s need to write!” I was taken aback, because I didn’t think of myself as a writer. I’m not a writer! I’m just an insignificant little grandma blogger. I had been so lost, for so many years, that I had completely negated in my mind that, in fact, I am a published author of a few magazine articles, and a novel.

And then—I started going to a small writing group formed in our ward Relief Society, to encourage us write our personal histories. I don’t know why I went, it was very intimidating, and I did tell the group when I attended the second time with nothing to share, “I can tell you one thing for sure, I won’t be writing about my childhood. I’ve had enough of that.”

Well, as they say—famous last words. After stumbling upon the information that, out-of-print book rights revert back to the author, I decided to confirm this with my old publisher whom I was certain wouldn’t even remember me. But he did! He was enthusiastic and kind, and so I jumped in with both feet to prepare the manuscript for electronic-publishing. My sweet neighbor Sophie Rasi-Koskinen posed for the new cover! It has been so fun, that my husband commented he hasn't seen me this happy in years.

Today it's Snowing

Today it's snowing on my son's grave. He was born on this day thirty-eight years ago. It was the happiest day of my life, next to my marriage of Robert's father and my eternal sweetheart! I love them both, more now than I thought it would be possible to then.

My husband Ron is still the BEST thing that has ever happened to me. And from my son Robert, who chose to die on this day, I have learned the MOST important lessons we came to this earth to learn. I have learned lessons of Christ's love and of His atonement that I could never have experienced otherwise.

Last night I had a sweet dream. I spent a long time with a very kind and wonderful young man. It seemed as though we walked along a river or lake. That is all I remember--walking and talking with this sweet man. I don't know if it was my son--I hope it was my son. But I do remember the kindness he showed to me, and I woke with a warm, sweet feeling!

I don't think I can visit the grave today. It's not where I find the most peace, because my son in not there. Years before he died, when he was a very difficult teenager, I prayed to know if I had been given a Laman or a Lemuel. An answer FIRED back into my mind that NO, he was an Alma the Younger! That has given me more peace and comfort than almost anything else these long twelve years since he died.

I have to believe, I want to believe, and in my heart of hearts I do believe, that he is now like the great prophet Alma--busy teaching, preaching and helping others come to know of our Savior Jesus Christ! I do know that God lives. I do know that we live on after death! My son's death has come so close to Easter this year, and it has been a reminder that because of Jesus Christ, he will live again--I will live again--we all will live, because of Jesus! Thank dear blessed Lord! Thank you!

This has been a month filled with the best of times, and the worst of times. Life is almost always like that! I haven't blogged for awhile, because I have been in the middle of a project that Ron says, has made me happier than he's seen me in years! It is a project that I can't wait to share with all of you, and the Lord willing, many, many others! News of it will be coming soon!

And, the very best thing of all, is the birth of our sweet new granddaughter Anne! Pictures and her story will be coming soon too! So stay tuned!

And, to my Robert if he gets to read this: God Bless you and comfort you, and all those who love you, today my son!

The Gates of Paradise

"Mutual forgiveness of each vice,

Such are the gates of paradise."

~William Blake~

I love this quote and I love this picture I took a couple of years ago while we were at this fabulous hot springs resort, fed by the Arenal Volcano, which is the most active volcano in Costa Rica. We were supposed to be able to see the lava flowing out of the volcano at night, from our room, but there was too much cloud cover, but the wonderful hot springs it produced, sure looked and felt like paradise while swimming in those wonderful pools!

Radical Faith

A billion times more than the times, when a grandchild excitedly shows me a bug crawling on his hand, or expectantly shoves a crayon drawing at me, knowing I will treasure it with a hug and kiss and give it the center spot on my cluttered refrigerator! Or the times another child shouts, "Gamma, Gamma, look at me!" while she does a summersault or goes down the slide. Even more than we can comprehend, I KNOW the Lord cares for all the little things that we count important in our adult lives. And those times when I remember this---those times---mostly born of necessity, are the times when I have lived my life with real faith! How different from the times I have lived in fear. I know, and bear record that I know, from first-hand experience that it IS possible to have the spirit with us always! There have been times when I have lived each moment absolutely bathed in the spirit of the Lord, and I have known without a shadow of doubt, that He does care about every single, little thing that is important to us. I know the Lord loves us and cares for us with a similar, but incomprehensibly greater love, than we can possibly have for our loved ones as mortals.

I read another great article at Meridian Magazine that has reminded me of these things that I know, and it has reminded me of how much I desire to live this way---replacing fear with faith---more fully, more constantly.

"Faith that Lets in the Light: Experimenting with Radical Faith" By Wallace Goddard

"Look to me in every thought; doubt not, fear not (D&C 6:36).

"According to King Benjamin, God shows up in every breath we breathe and supports us in every movement we make (Mosiah 2:21; 4:21). He is woven intimately into every moment of our lives—if we choose to see Him there. Radical faith calls us to see God in every detail. God invites us to chat with Him about everything from our furnace to our children’s science fair projects (Alma 34:17-27). While He may not weigh in on our choice of brands for green beans, He is glad to sit with us at dinner and rejoice in the magnificent gift of good food (D&C 59:18)."

"Experimenting with radical faith means not placing our relationship with God on the shelf for large chunks of each day. It is inviting Him into all aspects of our lives. It is looking for His orchestration in the people and experiences placed in our path each week. It is accepting the gift we are offered when we partake of the Sacrament—“that they may ALWAYS have his Spirit to be with [us]” (D&C 20:77, emphasis added)."

"A person with radical faith chooses to feel blessed in every circumstance knowing that God presides in our lives. We count sciatica as a blessing that teaches us patience. We rejoice in miscarriages that teach us faith. We welcome misunderstandings that teach us patience and openness. Rather than believe that human failing and reckless chance are writing the human story, we are serene knowing that, as Robert Browning wrote, “God’s in his heaven, all’s right with the world.”

Something Extraordinary

I just read one of the best books I've read in a long time!"Summer of Light" by W. Dale Cramer. In fact it's on my list to buy. I'm not sure what drew me to this book at the library, except that it was on the shelf of LDS and Christian writers. I always know I can count on them to be clean fiction and I wanted a light, quick read, a page turner that hooked me from the first page. So I read a few pages, and was quite certain this book wasn't going to be my cup of tea, though I was struck by the honest writing style. But after starting the other four books I'd checked out, in frustration I started reading this one again. Then I got busy and thought I'd take them all back to the library.

Well, Ron works a lot of evenings and I get lonely, so I picked it up again. After a few chapters I realized I'd found a real gem! I'm impressed how this author wove his honest faith and down to earth wisdom into and around the humor that still has me smiling. It's a well written charming book, perfect for discussion at a book club! I'm not going to give any more away except to share a few quotes from the book:

"I believe every one of us was designed---in his mother's womb, before birth---to do something extraordinary. The trick if I may call it that, is in avoiding all the distractions, learning to hear and recognize the voice that guides you into your gift. God designed you and he had something in mind when he did."

"Yeah, well I wish he'd let me in on it."

"Oh, I expect he has. You just don't see it yet."

And, Barbara (just a little hint) you will love finding out what this mans gift is! It was described this way: ". . . my pictures were gut-wrenchingly real, starkly beautiful."

THE MAN IN THE ARENA

I love this quote from Theodore Roosevelt. Ron uses this often to motivate himself and others. For the first time in twelve years, I want to DO something! It is spring again and I am strangely okay. I feel more peace about my son's state of being on the other side, and I feel this incredible sense that some unseen hand is lifting me, helping me, motivating me! I'm not exactly certain why yet, but for the first time in forever, I can read this quote and FEEL again! In the arena . . . hummm. It brings to mind that dream again, of Ron and I being outfitted with armor. For what arena?

Excerpt from the speech "Citizenship In A Republic", delivered at the Sorbonne, in Paris, France on 23 April, 1910 by Theodore Roosevelt.

"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat."

Broomsticks Are For Cleaning House

Maybe you've seen this one floating around on facebook: "Women are angels. And when someone breaks our wings we simply continue to fly---on a broomstick." (Author unknown)

I wish I'd never ridden on one, but I daresay everyone has. We all have bad days when we're hungry, tired, stressed, sad, etc. and then someone comes along and clips our wings. They may do it intentionally, but I think most of the time we don't intend to do that to each other; but then, in our righteous indignation and pride, we mount that broom. The scriptures teach us that "pride" is the thing that gives lift to our broom. The air gets thinner up there and it's easier to look down on others and blame everyone else for our misery. While we may not really believe that misery loves company, somehow we perceive it's easier to breath up there, when we share the pain!

The world defines a cronically proud person as a narssist, or someone who can't climb off their broom, because of their own insecurities and real or perceived pain and injustice! They have little tolerance or compassion for others, simply because they only see their own problems and pain. While neurotics on the other hand, after their pride flairs up, land their brooms way too hard! They are so hard on themselves that they conclude they must somehow deserve the wing clips. Why else would someone do this to them? So then they beat themselves up with their broken wings, trying to figure out what they did wrong.

I'm so grateful (there's that word again!) for the gospel of Jesus Christ that teaches us how to really fly, how to mend our broken hearts through the atonement, and how to give lift to each others wings! I want to be like the healthiest people, who are slow to take offense, quick to forgive those who hurt them, and don't spend much time on a broom, but instead use it to help their neighbor and to clean their own house with!

A Hyacinth For Thy Soul

I have always loved this beautiful verse, written by MOSLIH EDDIN (MUSLIH-UN-DIN) SAADI (SADI), who was a major Persian poet of the medieval 13th century. I think this poem is so rich with wisdom! Today I just had to make this picture in photoshop as I think of my many, many, blessings!

In my book "Joy Outweighs The Sorrow" I stated, "The only REAL poverty in this world is spiritual." I believe that! And, I love what the Lord teaches us in Isaiah 55:1 "Ho, every one that thirsteth, come ye to the waters, and he that hath no money; come ye, buy, and eat; yea, come, buy wine and milk without money and without price." When I read this verse I realise that the Lord gives us the most important things in this life freely, and if we listen carefully, we can hear the Lord whisper, "Look up, see your "tender mercies" the Hyacinths I provided today---just for you!

I'm so grateful for so much beauty, so much good, and so many blessings all around me everyday that feeds my soul, when I remember to look for them!

Adoption/More Than Just A Shadow In A Picture

This is a picture of me as a baby at a picnic with my parents. I was told that the shadow in the corner was my father's leg.

I just read a facebook post about a young woman having the love and the courage to give up a child that will be born out of wedlock. I feel so passionate about this because I am a sixty-year-old grandma who should have been given the chance to have parents who loved me and who were prepared to care for me. My teenaged mother was pushed into a "shotgun" marriage by her father, and after the marriage didn't work out my father left when I was only two. I didn't see him again until I was twenty-one years old. I remember as a child I would touch the shadow in that picture and long to know what it felt like to have my own father!

I grew up in abject poverty, and my childhood was miserable after my mother married a man who was abusive. She finally abandoned me when I was ten, and I was raised by a grandmother who resented every moment of it. I remember when I was little my mother would tell me often about a couple she knew who couldn't have children and who wanted very badly to adopt me. Then she would add, "At least I didn't give you up for adoption." I think she was trying to say, that she had tried to do what she thought was right, but that decision to keep me ruined her life, and denied me the love of a mother and a father.

If you know of any young girl who finds herself in this difficult situation, please tell her my story. I have heard of adopted children who mourn their birth mother, feel abandoned, and wonder why their mother's didn't want them. If you know of anyone like that, please tell them my story! And then tell them the story of Soloman's wisdom in 1Kings 3 about two women who both claimed a baby as her own. When Soloman threatened to cut the baby in half, giving each a portion, the true mother offered the baby to the other woman to spare it's life. Tell the children who are lucky enough to have had a birth mother with such wisdom, and love, that to spare the life of her child, she gave them the gift of gifts, the love of a mother AND a father who desperately wanted them and were mature and prepared enough to give a child a happy life!

After my marriage of almost forty years now, I am truly one of the most blessed women on earth, but even with the love of my wonderful children and husband, I don't think I will ever get over a deep longing to know the love that only parents can give.

Please tell the children!

Bullying

My sister Ann is a school teacher and she posted some really good advice for parents, so I'm posting it on my site too! Thanks Ann!

Ann said, "I know that some of you who read my blog have kids in school. I just wanted to share this list of things that might be an indicator of your child being bullied. Schools are working very hard to stop bullying, but about 50% of kids being bullied don't ever talk to an adult about it. As parents, you might notice something that a teacher with a full classload of kids doesn't pick up on.

• Having few friends at school
• Afraid to go to school
• Having unexplained bruises
• Afraid to ride the bus
• Refusing to go to school
• Sudden drop in grades
• No interest in activities
• Frequent headaches
• Trouble sleeping
• Loss of appetite
• Anxiety or depression

Spiritual Wounds

"Friends are angels who lift us to our feet when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly . . ."

Just looking at this old World War I picture, while contemplating the spiritual battlefield we are in (Ephesians 6:12) stirs memories of the times when my heart has been so wounded I literally could NOT pick myself up, but when I could go no further on my own, angel friends and family have been there to carry me to a place of comfort, help and healing.

My dear friend Darla Isackson has written another wonderful article in Meridian Magazine, titled "Clay Feet and Childhood Wounds"

In that article she said, "Wounds we received five minutes ago, as well in the distant past can cause us problems. Our society is full of prickly possibilities for spiritual wounding. Pres. Henry B. Eyring said in a recent address, 'Our comrades are being wounded in the spiritual conflict around us . . . Spiritual wounds are not easily visible, except with inspired eyes.' ("Man Down!” April 4, 2009, General Conference). I remember an additional message urging us to treat others with gentleness and kindness. The main idea was that if we treat everyone as if they are wounded, most of the time we’d be right. How true!

So many people “put on a happy face,” and never let the pain show. Others may put on a grouchy face, partly to keep people at a distance to make sure their woundedness is not found out. We know so little of what goes on in the minds and hearts of those around us—and things are so seldom as they seem. The most successful, seemingly altogether people may be hiding serious emotional wounds. The women of the “Five Browns” comes to mind. How many have envied them? Who would have guessed? No wonder the Lord has told us not to judge. He is the only One who knows each person’s heart. In 1 Samuel 16:7 we read, 'The Lord seeth not as a man seeth; for man looketh on the outward appearance, but the Lord looketh on the heart.'"

The Whole Armour of God

A few weeks ago I had a strange dream. Ron and I were being outfitted with armour. With heavy helmets, breastplates, heavy armour on our legs and feet and we were given swords. I distincly remember in the dream feeling the incredible weight of that armour. We were being prepared for battle, and we were going to war together! It felt so real---so serious. As I woke up pondering this strange dream I thought what is coming? What kind of war did I just dream about? Then that thought was immediately answered in my mind, "You are already at war, you are in the midst of it now." I looked up Ephesians 6:11-19 and read it again.

"Put on the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil. For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places. Wherefore take unto you the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand. Stand therefore, having your loins girt about with truth, and having on the breastplate of righteousness; And your feet shod with the preparation of the gospel of peace; Above all, taking the shield of faith, wherewith ye shall be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked. And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God: Praying always with all prayer and supplication in the Spirit, and watching thereunto with all perseverance and supplication for all saints; And for me, that utterance may be given unto me, that I may open my mouth boldly, to make known the mystery of the gospel,"

After re-reading this scripture I found much to ponder over. It's been on my mind a lot lately, the things that we "wrestle" with in this mortal world. I pray God will give me, and all of us the strength to "withstand in this evil day!"

Grateful

That old question--is the glass half-empty or half-full? This year I want to see ALL the fullness in this beautiful world our Father in Heaven has provided. I want to see all the blessings in all the people in my life. I think it was Abraham Lincoln who said that if you look for the bad in someone you will surely find it. I think we find exactly what we look for in everything.

I remember the book "The Hiding Place" by Corrie Ten Boom. What a powerful book, I need to read it again. Her sister found blessings even in the fleas that infested their holocaust prison. She realized, and pointed it out to her sister and other prisoners, that the fleas protected the precious bible they had hidden from the guards. For her the glass was always overflowing with gratitude, and she was able to pass on faith and hope to all around her, even in the worst possible condiditons. This year I want to be like Corrie Ten Boom's sister Betsy!

Sarcasm

When I was a teenager and young adult, sarcasm was the in thing! Everyone around me let it fly constantly, but I found it cruel and painful. These quotes posted by a dear friend on facebook, expresses so well how I've always felt about it!

"Sarcasm, I now see to be, in general, the language of the Devil" (Thomas Carlyle, 1846)

"Ironically, most people who use sarcasm, feel as though their message is less toxic because it rides piggy-back on humor." (John Lund)

If The Savior Stood Beside Me

My Sunday School lesson this week is on being born again, or born of the spirit. To be born again we must become like Christ--a pretty tall order! It is something impossible for the natural man to do alone. To be born again--to have "no more desire to do evil, but to do good continually!" (Mosiah 5:2) Wow! Bruce R. McConkie taught that to be born again is a process. Like any other process we "become" line upon line, little by little. How grateful I am to have the gospel, to have the privilege of attending church each week which feeds my desire to do good continually, and reminds me that when I dissapoint the Lord and myself, that I CAN repent!

What a wonderful reminder this is for me, and for all of us to re-examine our lives and answer the question posed to us by a prophet of God in the Book of Mormon: "Alma 5:14 And now behold, I ask of you, my brethren of the church, have ye spiritually been born of God? Have ye received his image in your countenances? Have ye experienced this mighty change in your hearts?"

As I ponder this, I see the plaque my daughter-in-law gave me a few years ago that reads:

CHRIST
The center of our home
A guest at every meal
A silent listener at every conversation

It has been a wonderful reminder and has inspired me to try harder to live my life so that I can share with the Savior every conversation I have, every book I read, every movie I watch, every song I listen to and when I do so, I feel comfortable in His presence and I know that my eyes shine a little brighter with His Image and His love, and I want nothing more than to do good continually. (And then, when I dim that light by dissapointing Him and myself, He loves me still and allows me to repent!) I want to try harder this year to emulate the primary song, "If The Savior Stood Beside Me" by Sally DeFord.

If the Savior stood beside me,
Would I do the things I do?
Would I think of His commandments and try harder to be true?
Would I follow His example?
Would I live more righteously if I could see the Savior standing nigh,
watching over me?
If the Savior stood beside me,
Would I say the things I say?
Would my words be true and kind if He were never far away?
Would I try to share the gospel?
Would I speak more rev’rently if I could see the Savior standing nigh,
watching over me?
If the Savior stood beside me, would my thoughts be clean and pure?
Would His presence give me strength and hope and courage to endure?
Would His counsel guide my actions?
Would I choose more worthily if I could see the Savior standing nigh
watching over me?
Watching over me, watching over me,
He is always near me, though I do not see Him there,
And because He loves me dearly,
I am in His watchful care,
So I’ll be the kind of person that I know I’d like to be
if I could see the Savior standing nigh watching over me.
I will be the kind of person that I know I’d like to be
if I could see the Savior standing nigh watching over me.

New Year

It's a new year, and I'm going to make it a good one! I might even blog again, and hey---groundhog day is coming soon! Spring!!!!! Nothing like a crocus to make me smile!